Kopi Luwak

What would older generations say when they see that people are selling poop covered coffee beans for 9x the price of regular coffee beans?

Sadly, I am tempted to buy some ...

English Language

The internet has been a wonderful tool to help promote education, information, entertainment and much, much more.

One of the negatives of the internet is how watered down the English language has become. Below are some examples:

Example 1: Genuine Faux Pearls
Really? Can someone explain how you something is "geniune faux"? A quick google search for "Faux definition" turned up the following:

Faux - Adjective:

• 1. Artificial or imitation: "faux pearls".
  
• 2. Not genuine; fake or false: "her faux New York accent"
  

Example 2: Dumbledore's wand - "authentic recreation"

• Someone please explain the phrase "authentic recreation". The phrase alone is an oxymoron.
  
• How can you have "authentic" items that never really existed? But let's say that we let this slide, because Santa Claus exists and he eats the milk n cookies you leave for him. Let's assume that Harry Potter is "real" Yahoo explains the possibility of how this could be true
  
  • "This replica of Dumbledore's wand is an authentic recreation of the old wizard's wand" - so again, if it's authentic then why is it a replica / recreation?
    
  • "Made of resin" - Ok, so this "authentic replica" is made of resin? Can you at least make me an authentic recreation made of genuine faux elder wood & a natural synthetic tail hair of a real fantasy Thestral?
    

So my question to you is:
Which is worse? The person who describes the items they are selling as "authentic replicas" / "genuine faux"? or the person who buys these items because they are "authentic"?

Actual Wedding Invite Dilema

You have two single guy friends ... not close to either one but would hang out with them if they were there (i.e. you do not dislike them in any way).

Let's call them Subject N1 and Subject N2:

I'm going to keep a running tally of how these two may have affected their "wedding invitation" status through their actions.

Subject N1
-goes "Charlie Sheen" on a post in one of our boards. The post is directly addressed at the groom

Subject N2
-randomly finds a VERY old pic of the groom on fb and posts a comment about it. Makes me wonder: a) why was he looking at a pic that old? b) he is single and hasn't had a gf for a very long time ...

Mr Groom - if you read this feel free to add any other "interesting" facts you would like to consider before making your final decision.

How to decide who to invite to your wedding?

I find it interesting how something so simple can get so complicated. Everyone has a set of "rules" or "guidelines" they claim are the correct way to sort who to invite among your current friends to your upcoming wedding.

Someone should really make a reality TV show about this. People competing for a seat at a celebrity wedding. Imagine if Kim Kardashian had done this. Maybe you could mix it up and have a little bit of every reality TV on this show:

Show format:
12 people = 6 guys + 6 girls
separated into 2 teams / each team 3 guys & 3 girls

List of competitions in order they would happen:

2 weeks of Real World: both teams living together in an over sized apartment in some random town (I pick Little Rock, AR for the first season) working some really odd job like cleaning elephant poop at the elephant sanctuary. They throw 1 party each week and go out an additional 2 other times each week and celebrity guests attend these parties (like the cast of Jersey Shore one week, Real World / Road Rules perennials like Mike, Coral, Tonya, etc)

Elimination is voted through facebook. Most votes = elimination (to confuse people and purposely create controversy). Highest vote getter is booted off the show + highest vote of opposite gender from opposite team. I.E. If Mike gets voted off Team A then the other person voted off is the female from Team B with the most votes. Again more controversy due to the fact that the 2 most hated people may or may not leave the show.

(5 guys + 5 girls remain)
2 weeks of Rat Race / Amazing Race: Teams are re-made based on the votes. Lowest votes gets to pick their teammate first (must be opposite gender). Then in pairs, they are given $20 and told to find a way to get from Little Rock to Los Angeles. Clues are given and 3 pairs of tickets are hidden in different random cities. Teams can either choose find a way to LA or go to a city (presumably closer than LA) and find the tickets (Secret City Location may have 1 set of airline tickets OR 1 set of bus tickets OR 1 set of train tickets). 2 days into the competition, one individual on each team is given a clue on how to find a one-way airline ticket for themselves and if they can find it, write their name in it, they can ditch their partner and go on w/out them.

Last guy & last girl in LA gets eliminated.

(4 guys + 4 girls remain)
2 weeks of talent competitions: 1 week of singing and 1 week of dancing.
Week 1 (singing) - Internet votes for top 3 guys and top 3 girls (safe from elimination) & Bridal party chooses one participant to "save". Groomsmen vote on the girl to save, bridesmaids vote on the guy to save.
Week 2 (dancing) - internet votes for top guy & top girl & Bridal party choose 1 guy and 1 girl to save again. (same as above)

(2 guys + 2 girls remain)
2 weeks of "Meet the Parents": This is filmed the last 2 weeks prior to the wedding. Perks - The 4 remaining contestants attend family functions (i.e. rehearsal dinner, going to the bachelor / bachelorette parties, meet both sides of the family). They also get fitted for their tuxedos & dresses and get a fashion make-over with Tim Gunn.

During this final week, the 4 remaining contestants are asked to do remedial tasks by the wedding party all the way until the day before the wedding. This may include tasks such as going to the bakery & checking on the wedding cake (and of course something will not be as planned and they will have to figure out how to fix it) or last minute adjustments such as "please go to the location of the reception and tell the manager that we just increased our wedding list from 300 to 360 and make sure it is ready for this weekend"

Elimination - the night before the wedding, the contestants get to put on their wedding outfits and walk down the catwalk. The bridesmaids vote on which girl they would like to invite to the wedding the next day. Groomsmen do the same for the guy.

FINALE - each winning contestant is given a crash-course 120 min filming class the morning of the wedding and they are given a Digital Camcorder to film the wedding from their perspective. The video that sells for the highest amount to a magazine/tv/media outlet wins grand prize of $250,000

Would you watch this show?

Scenario + Questions

Scenario 1:

I enter the bathroom at work (single person bathroom) and it stinks. The fan WAS NOT left on and the Lysol air freshner is in plain sight ON TOP of the sink.

Questions:
Did the person who went #2 think:
a) They don't think their poop stinks so they did not leave the fan on OR spray the air freshner
b) They did not wash their hands which explains why they did not see the air freshner
c) Their poop smelled so bad they HAD to get out of there immediatly or risk passing out from their own poop smell
d) ALL OF THE ABOVE

Online Voyeurism

Rule #1 of Facebook Status Updates
- Do not be the first and only person to "like" your own status update.

Unless you routinely pleasure yourself in public. Then it's okay, because you "liking yourself" is just part of who you are. And that's okay.

Keep it real B-Real.

What's her name?

Conversation between two guys who just recently bought new (black) crossovers/SUVs:

Friend: You get it?
Me: Who? Venus williams?
Friend: Yea, the car
Friend: hahaha, you damn biter!
Me: Some might think she's cute, but she's black and kind of manly
Friend: Yea, Serena is more buff.
Friend: You can't name her Serena anyways, cuz I named my car Serena
Friend: After Serena williams. I'm serious
Friend: w/ her muscular lines

Model Behavior

Guy friend: You're so model-like.

Me: What? You totally just made my day!! :D

Guy friend: Huh? I was just saying you exercise a lot, work a lot, don't eat fast food, and don't eat after 9pm.

Me: Oh...

Al Davis remembered ...

In honor of the great Al Davis:

Did you know ...

Al Davis was best known for coining the phrase "Just win baby" but did you also know that he coined the phrase "Do your job"? If you watch the NFL Films special that follows Bill Bellichek around, you'll hear him saying this phrase over and over. He picked it up from his time coaching with Bill Parcells ... who just happened to learn this from Al Davis when he worked with him (learned this from Peter King's article on si.com)


Al would be proud ...

We all know soccer players are known for taking dives. Hardcore fans argue "it's part of the game" and players say they are "just trying to win". Combine Al Davis's "just win baby" phrase with the soccer player mentality of "just trying to win" and this is what you get:



My silly prediction?

The Raiders vs 49ers in the Super Bowl with the Raiders winning

What to do if your friend buys an iPhone 4S ...

Real Motherf***ing G's

Hello Consumer Reports,

I just spent $14 on the CR Car Pricing Service, and upon review of the report, realized I just wasted $14 on a report that has provided zero value to me.


All the "information" that was provided in the report can be easily found at edmunds.com and/or truecar.com.


For an organization that is supposed to be helping customers get the best deal, I definitely feel like I just got ripped off.


If there was a way to undo this previous purchase and/or get a refund, I would most certainly jump on the opportunity.


Sincerely,
Your Nutz

*****  In the words of the late Eazy-E *****
Motherf*** Dre
Motherf***' Snoop
Mother*** Death Row (and ConsumerReports)
Now here come my left blow

Yummy

GUY: have you ever eaten a vodka gummy bear?

ME: no. gimmie

GUY: i am going to make my own this weekend.

[convo goes on about Grey vs Kettle, sour vs plain...]

ME: wait, you know how to make gummi bears?!?!!

GUY: i do!!!! a big one. that is what i call my poopy

I Heart Reader Comments

Article in Question:

(Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44846729/ns/travel-news/)

And the winning comment:

Aloha Friday suckas

Godspeed to a true visionary of our time. Mr Job's innovation & creativity in both a marketing and business helped Apple skyrocket from $10 to $400+ per share. There may only be one Bill Gates, but there was also one Steve Jobs.




**Part 2**
Funny conversation between a Mac and a PC
I'm a Mac: you know why jobs died today right?
I'm a PC: yeah i saw
I'm a Mac: but you know why he died TODAY
I'm a PC: no
I'm a Mac: that shitty iphone 4S announcement killed him


**Part 3**
Some websites tried to update their web pages with news of Steve Jobs. Take a look at the newspaper near Apple headquarters ... great example of FAIL!

(Pic submitted by "I'm a Mac")

What NOT to do on a first (play) date

Text Exchange (~40 minutes after dropping dog off for an all-day play-date)

Play-date Coordinator: Dude John Dog* has peed twice on the carpet and pooped under my table.
Ooops: He already peed/pood this morning.
Play-date Coordinator: It was definitely John Dog, we made eye contact while I yelled, "noooooo" and it oozed out of his butt.

*Name has been changed to protect identify and allow for possible future invites (to other unsuspecting play-date coordinators)

Meaty Goodness

Overheard at shabu shabu dinner:

GUY: want more of my meat?
GIRL: No, I already have so much in my mouth.

Amen to clean desktops ...

Happy Monday MoFos

So...

Had a fantastic FF weekend.
The League season premiere is this Thursday.
And I'm back at work.

My current desktop background serves multiple purposes for this rant.

1. Sometimes my computer makes me extremely angry (e.g., PPT, Excel "Not Responding" and subsequent loss of extensive amount of work)
2. Sometimes the people I correspond to make me extremely angry (e.g., email, IMing, personal and professional)
3. Sometimes I'm just angry for no apparent reason.

Tangent.
How can people deal with desktops COMPLETELY filled with icons/shortcuts? Yes, occasionally I'll post files on my desktop, but I do regular cleanses (as you see above). But I see WAY too many computers where it looks like your documents folder had too much to drink and puked all over your desktop. Disgusting. Clean your ish up. Especially when you do a ton of presentations for work. And if it's your home computer. There is even less excuse.

Tangent.
I need a smaller, fancier desk at home. Due to the configuration of our place, my current mammoth IKEA desk prevents us from being adults and having a dining room table... my inversion table is a secondary obstacle. A nice glass one would be... nice.

Tangent.
B&H Photo Video is offering half off Lightroom 3. Pretty good deal. Is 31 years old too early to buy your first officially-licensed (non-game) computer software? I have... 20 hours to decide.

Tangent.
Sometimes I feel like business casual was created to keep a brother like me down. I like to dress the part, and I feel like the part dresses me. When I wear a suit a tie, I tend to act a little more mature, talk a little more mature, even walk with a little bit of a strut... unless it's open bar at a wedding.
But this whole business casual thing, where you can wear anything jeans and a polo shirt to work (or even a t-shirt on Fridays)... well, that just messes me up. If I'm going to dress casual, I will then act casual... and that, my friends, just gets me on a daily slippery slope down heal to poor, non-ergonomic postures, excessive inefficiencies at work, and non-optimal performance reviews.

Tangent.
$5 Regular Footlongs at Subway all month.

Eat Fresh my friends.

Cray Cray!

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, it's driving me nuts."

Geek Chic

What's up with people trying to DRESS like a "geek" nowadays with the Wayfarer glasses (nonprescriptioned), bow ties, suspenders, you name it? While I understand a person may want to be an intellectually stimulating and computer savvy math genius, the truth is the duds don't make the studs. So stop faking it, you posers!

(:p)

Portmanteau of the Day: September 30, 2011

Assplosion [ass-sploh-zhuh'n] noun
1. an act or instance of exploding from the butt; a violent expansion or bursting, often with noise
2. the noise itself: The loud assplosion resonated the stall doors.
3. a violent outburst from the butt, often caused by the ingestion of non-ideal substance (e.g., under-cooked/raw or spoiled food, intolerant-food).

Assplode [ass-splohd]
verb
1. to expand with force and noise from the butt because of rapid chemical change, indigestion, or food poisoning
2. to burst, fly into pieces, or break up violently from the butt with a loud report, as a boiler from excessive pressure of steam.
3. to burst forth violently or emotionally from the butt, especially with noise, violent splattering of fecal matter, etc.: I assploded after I ate undercooked lamb at Shabu House.

Jesus Follower

You guys are a bunch of idiots...

So I started this fantasy football in a pretty crap-tastic way.

0-3 in one league

1-2 in another league

To change things up in my 0-3 league, I decided to offer up my receivers (Roddy White and Calvin Johnson) to try and beef up my RB position (Ryan Grant - dropped, Felix Jones, and Montario Hardesty).

I shot out an email to the league stating these guys were "on the block", with the explicate instructions: ridiculous trade offers will be ignored.

What do I get in response? Here is a summary of trade offers:

For Calvin Johnson:

Offer #1:

- Devery Henderson

- Ben Tate

- DeAngelo Williams

Offer #2:

- Knowshon Moreno
- Mark Sanchez

Offer #3:
- Brandon Lloyd
- Marshawn Lynch
- Joe Flacco

Offer #2a (after 1st offer was rejected):
- Daniel Thomas
- Mark Sanchez

For Roddy White:
Offer #4:
- Frank Gore
- Percy Harvin

Offer #4a (canceled first, revised offer):
- Frank Gore
- Danario Alexander

At which point, I fired off this email to the league:
Dear fellow FF managers,


Do not send me ridiculous trades like "here take my #3 and #4RBs that I never plan on using even during my starter's by weeks... and give me Megatron #1 WR in the league".


Suck on my virtual 8=======D you freakin' asstards.


okthnxbai
=)

Nice. Concise. And to the point.

Responses from the league:
- "asstards... LOL" apparently he liked my portmanteau
- "I really need another WR. Who do you want for Nate Washington? Is there any way I can trade for any of your top/starting WRs without Jackson/Rice/Rivers in the deal?" You don't want to part with your top WR, top RB, nor starting QB... but you want either one of my only two legitimate starters? Go break a rib and try suck on your own 8===D.
Update: He actually decided to offer me Devery Henderson and James Starks for Nate Washington... which might be the only legitimate trade offer I've received. Status TBD.

My response to Offer #4a:

More head?

March 17, 2011 - Conversation during the 2011 NCAA Men's Tournament

NCAAB Pool Buddy: oh snap

you picked the Vandy upset?

*fist bump*

Degenerate Gambling Friend: yeah but I did not get morehead

NCAAB Pool Buddy: that's probably b/c you didn't pay her enough

Degenerate Gambling Friend: lol

NCAAB Pool Buddy: maybe you should get her drunker

Portmanteau of the Day: September 20, 2011

Dicktard [dick-tard]
noun
a person or object whose behavior is infuriating not only because it is unacceptable by your standards, but because it also calls into question the person or object's mental capacity. Dude! Did you just give me the finger because I honked at you for cutting me off after you waited until the very last minute to get on the off-ramp because you didn't want to sit in the back-up like the rest of us? What a dicktard!


Synonyms: cocktard, asstard, f-tard, custard.

Portmanteau of the Day

Portmanteau [pawrt-man-toh, pohrt-; pawrt-man-toh, pohrt-]
noun
Definition #1: a large suitcase

Definition #2: a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms.

I like to use (borrow and/or invent) words that help me more efficiently describe a person or a situation... my S.O. also likes to do the same (though sometimes it's not intentional, but often times even more effective).


So, from the time to time, I will throw some of my favorites out there, to see if any of them catch on.

Portmanteau of the Day (September 19, 2011)
Interruding. [inter-ruding]
verb
to rudely interrupt: Woman, stop interruding and let me finish. And go make me a sandwich.

Why can't I change my fantasy football lineup?!?!

Female Fantasy Football Player: yo
A-hole Brother: yo
Female Fantasy Football Player: how do i change my fantasy lineup. omg i feel like a tech retard, this site is so convoluted
A-hole Brother: click "my team"
and then you see your players listed below?
see the gray button labeled "move"
Female Fantasy Football Player: uh i do not
A-hole Brother: click that button and the gray buttons either disappear or they are replaced by green ones that say "here"
... are you on "my team"?
... the tab
... one white tab at the top shows you what you are looking at, the tabs are:
league, my team, players, standings, scoreboard
Female Fantasy Football Player: i don't see a "MYTEAM" tab. i see a dropdown that says TEAMS and then i can select mine so now i'm on a page that says...
(TEAM NAME): Roster
but there's nothing that says "Move"
A-hole Brother: ok i'm sorry, let me backtrack
do you see on the upper right
Female Fantasy Football Player oh
i wasn't logged in

Vick's Concussion and its Ramifications on Fantasy Football

Friend: I'm sure he will be fine, he might miss 1 week. I doubt he misses more than that

Michael Vick Owner: well, i dont think he's going to pull a Manning and sign a 8-9 figure salary and never take another snap

Friend: I was gonna say that you're golden cuz he's black

Michael Vick Owner: ha

Friend: now for concussions they have tests they do

Friend: and they have a "baseline" for what the brain activity looked like w/out a concussion for most players. SO ... since he's black, it'll be easier for him to pass that "baseline" test