Portmanteau of the Day: September 30, 2011

Assplosion [ass-sploh-zhuh'n] noun
1. an act or instance of exploding from the butt; a violent expansion or bursting, often with noise
2. the noise itself: The loud assplosion resonated the stall doors.
3. a violent outburst from the butt, often caused by the ingestion of non-ideal substance (e.g., under-cooked/raw or spoiled food, intolerant-food).

Assplode [ass-splohd]
verb
1. to expand with force and noise from the butt because of rapid chemical change, indigestion, or food poisoning
2. to burst, fly into pieces, or break up violently from the butt with a loud report, as a boiler from excessive pressure of steam.
3. to burst forth violently or emotionally from the butt, especially with noise, violent splattering of fecal matter, etc.: I assploded after I ate undercooked lamb at Shabu House.

Jesus Follower

You guys are a bunch of idiots...

So I started this fantasy football in a pretty crap-tastic way.

0-3 in one league

1-2 in another league

To change things up in my 0-3 league, I decided to offer up my receivers (Roddy White and Calvin Johnson) to try and beef up my RB position (Ryan Grant - dropped, Felix Jones, and Montario Hardesty).

I shot out an email to the league stating these guys were "on the block", with the explicate instructions: ridiculous trade offers will be ignored.

What do I get in response? Here is a summary of trade offers:

For Calvin Johnson:

Offer #1:

- Devery Henderson

- Ben Tate

- DeAngelo Williams

Offer #2:

- Knowshon Moreno
- Mark Sanchez

Offer #3:
- Brandon Lloyd
- Marshawn Lynch
- Joe Flacco

Offer #2a (after 1st offer was rejected):
- Daniel Thomas
- Mark Sanchez

For Roddy White:
Offer #4:
- Frank Gore
- Percy Harvin

Offer #4a (canceled first, revised offer):
- Frank Gore
- Danario Alexander

At which point, I fired off this email to the league:
Dear fellow FF managers,


Do not send me ridiculous trades like "here take my #3 and #4RBs that I never plan on using even during my starter's by weeks... and give me Megatron #1 WR in the league".


Suck on my virtual 8=======D you freakin' asstards.


okthnxbai
=)

Nice. Concise. And to the point.

Responses from the league:
- "asstards... LOL" apparently he liked my portmanteau
- "I really need another WR. Who do you want for Nate Washington? Is there any way I can trade for any of your top/starting WRs without Jackson/Rice/Rivers in the deal?" You don't want to part with your top WR, top RB, nor starting QB... but you want either one of my only two legitimate starters? Go break a rib and try suck on your own 8===D.
Update: He actually decided to offer me Devery Henderson and James Starks for Nate Washington... which might be the only legitimate trade offer I've received. Status TBD.

My response to Offer #4a:

More head?

March 17, 2011 - Conversation during the 2011 NCAA Men's Tournament

NCAAB Pool Buddy: oh snap

you picked the Vandy upset?

*fist bump*

Degenerate Gambling Friend: yeah but I did not get morehead

NCAAB Pool Buddy: that's probably b/c you didn't pay her enough

Degenerate Gambling Friend: lol

NCAAB Pool Buddy: maybe you should get her drunker

Portmanteau of the Day: September 20, 2011

Dicktard [dick-tard]
noun
a person or object whose behavior is infuriating not only because it is unacceptable by your standards, but because it also calls into question the person or object's mental capacity. Dude! Did you just give me the finger because I honked at you for cutting me off after you waited until the very last minute to get on the off-ramp because you didn't want to sit in the back-up like the rest of us? What a dicktard!


Synonyms: cocktard, asstard, f-tard, custard.

Portmanteau of the Day

Portmanteau [pawrt-man-toh, pohrt-; pawrt-man-toh, pohrt-]
noun
Definition #1: a large suitcase

Definition #2: a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms.

I like to use (borrow and/or invent) words that help me more efficiently describe a person or a situation... my S.O. also likes to do the same (though sometimes it's not intentional, but often times even more effective).


So, from the time to time, I will throw some of my favorites out there, to see if any of them catch on.

Portmanteau of the Day (September 19, 2011)
Interruding. [inter-ruding]
verb
to rudely interrupt: Woman, stop interruding and let me finish. And go make me a sandwich.

Why can't I change my fantasy football lineup?!?!

Female Fantasy Football Player: yo
A-hole Brother: yo
Female Fantasy Football Player: how do i change my fantasy lineup. omg i feel like a tech retard, this site is so convoluted
A-hole Brother: click "my team"
and then you see your players listed below?
see the gray button labeled "move"
Female Fantasy Football Player: uh i do not
A-hole Brother: click that button and the gray buttons either disappear or they are replaced by green ones that say "here"
... are you on "my team"?
... the tab
... one white tab at the top shows you what you are looking at, the tabs are:
league, my team, players, standings, scoreboard
Female Fantasy Football Player: i don't see a "MYTEAM" tab. i see a dropdown that says TEAMS and then i can select mine so now i'm on a page that says...
(TEAM NAME): Roster
but there's nothing that says "Move"
A-hole Brother: ok i'm sorry, let me backtrack
do you see on the upper right
Female Fantasy Football Player oh
i wasn't logged in

Vick's Concussion and its Ramifications on Fantasy Football

Friend: I'm sure he will be fine, he might miss 1 week. I doubt he misses more than that

Michael Vick Owner: well, i dont think he's going to pull a Manning and sign a 8-9 figure salary and never take another snap

Friend: I was gonna say that you're golden cuz he's black

Michael Vick Owner: ha

Friend: now for concussions they have tests they do

Friend: and they have a "baseline" for what the brain activity looked like w/out a concussion for most players. SO ... since he's black, it'll be easier for him to pass that "baseline" test